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Hi,
I'm a random person - I've never blogged before or kept a journal or anything, and honestly part of me is hoping no one ever reads this but I have something I'd like to say and I don't know where else to say it.
I am 18 years old and I am a first year university student studying physics, maths and astrophysics. I especially like maths because there is always clear cut answers and when people and situations confuse me I like to just sit with earphones in to block out the noise and work through maths problems because they always make sense. If they don't it's because I've made a mistake that I can rectify if I look close enough.
People have always confused me and I don't understand the social cues that others seem to pick up so easily. I really struggle with conversations and I'll often try to predict a conversation before I have it so I can practice what to say. I then get stressed if it goes a way I'm not expecting. When I was a kid, I would freak out if I had to go and talk to someone by myself (i.e. to pay my fees for ballet classes) and start panicking and crying and even rocking. This would make my parents shout at me because they thought I was just trying to be 'funny' or 'cause a scene'. Eventually I learnt to have my panic attacks in the toilets and then, as hard as it was, do what they wanted to. If I really couldn't do it I would have to lie. This was hard as I really don't like lying. I can't explain why I don't like lying, it just stresses me out because I know it isn't true, and I don't understand why I should say something if it isn't true.
Often I can seem antisocial as trying to understand people is exhausting and I need time out to work through everything in my head. I don't like to miss things that are in my routine as that makes me anxious but outside my routine, I can spend days, sometimes even weeks, without having any desire to see people. At clubs and play groups and such as a child, I'd often go off and hide mid-game to think. My favourite hiding place in the school playground was behind this bench that stretched between two trees. I felt safe there. The leaders of these groups often accused me of doing this for attention or 'taking a strop'. They'd often try to find out 'what was up' by 'tickling it out of me'.
I like hugs and physical affection on my own terms, when I'm given a choice and a chance to say no, but if someone touches me without my permission, it really freaks me out. I will always warn them to not touch me if they try when I don't want it. If they still do it, I'll wriggle away and vocalise my discomfort (usually in a moan). If they still don't stop, I might hit them; I don't mean to - I hate violence - but it freaks me out.
When the leaders of playgroups would try to 'tickle it out of me', I would sometimes end up hitting them. Then they would get mad at me, and I never understood why because I would warn them not to touch me.
As I grew older, I struggled with colloquial language and sarcasm. I'm getting better with it now but I still struggle to tell if people are serious or not. At home and school it was really bad, and I was mocked for it sometimes at school, even by my friends. Luckily at university, my friends seem to have accepted that they pretty much need to clarify everything they say and explain most jokes three or four times before I understand what they're on about.
I also really, really dislike conflict. I used to run away to the woods whenever my parents argued, or if I couldn't I would rock and hum to myself. I don't know why this calms me down, but it does. I think it's in part due to the fact that it gives me something to focus on. I hate it when my friends argue in front of me and often I have to skip huge chunks of movies because I can't deal with the characters arguing.
My biggest problem since I started university is with the opposite sex. Often, they'll start a conversation with me and we'll talk for ages without me realising that they're flirting. I'll just think they are being friendly. More than once I've accidentally gone on a date because I have thought a guy just wants to hang out as friends. It's then very hard for me to know what to do, and sometimes they'll try to touch me without me knowing first and I have to focus really hard on not freaking out.
I know that I'm not 'normal' and that sometimes I accidentally upset someone or freak them out, and whenever I interact with someone, it's always in my mind 'am I being weird right now', 'am I freaking them out' etc.
Every interaction I ever have with anyone or any time I'm somewhere with other people around, I have to deal with all of this on top of anything that's happening; and on top of everything else I have to pretend that none of this is happening so that no one will shout at me like my parents used to for acting 'weird'.
I don't know why I'm like this, or what causes me these problems. As far as I'm aware I don't have any reason to - I've never been tested for anything that might cause it. It's just a part of who I am.
I'm sorry if you have read this, for the long story; but I've never felt comfortable telling this to anyone and I felt like I had to get it off my chest.
I'm a random person - I've never blogged before or kept a journal or anything, and honestly part of me is hoping no one ever reads this but I have something I'd like to say and I don't know where else to say it.
I am 18 years old and I am a first year university student studying physics, maths and astrophysics. I especially like maths because there is always clear cut answers and when people and situations confuse me I like to just sit with earphones in to block out the noise and work through maths problems because they always make sense. If they don't it's because I've made a mistake that I can rectify if I look close enough.
People have always confused me and I don't understand the social cues that others seem to pick up so easily. I really struggle with conversations and I'll often try to predict a conversation before I have it so I can practice what to say. I then get stressed if it goes a way I'm not expecting. When I was a kid, I would freak out if I had to go and talk to someone by myself (i.e. to pay my fees for ballet classes) and start panicking and crying and even rocking. This would make my parents shout at me because they thought I was just trying to be 'funny' or 'cause a scene'. Eventually I learnt to have my panic attacks in the toilets and then, as hard as it was, do what they wanted to. If I really couldn't do it I would have to lie. This was hard as I really don't like lying. I can't explain why I don't like lying, it just stresses me out because I know it isn't true, and I don't understand why I should say something if it isn't true.
Often I can seem antisocial as trying to understand people is exhausting and I need time out to work through everything in my head. I don't like to miss things that are in my routine as that makes me anxious but outside my routine, I can spend days, sometimes even weeks, without having any desire to see people. At clubs and play groups and such as a child, I'd often go off and hide mid-game to think. My favourite hiding place in the school playground was behind this bench that stretched between two trees. I felt safe there. The leaders of these groups often accused me of doing this for attention or 'taking a strop'. They'd often try to find out 'what was up' by 'tickling it out of me'.
I like hugs and physical affection on my own terms, when I'm given a choice and a chance to say no, but if someone touches me without my permission, it really freaks me out. I will always warn them to not touch me if they try when I don't want it. If they still do it, I'll wriggle away and vocalise my discomfort (usually in a moan). If they still don't stop, I might hit them; I don't mean to - I hate violence - but it freaks me out.
When the leaders of playgroups would try to 'tickle it out of me', I would sometimes end up hitting them. Then they would get mad at me, and I never understood why because I would warn them not to touch me.
As I grew older, I struggled with colloquial language and sarcasm. I'm getting better with it now but I still struggle to tell if people are serious or not. At home and school it was really bad, and I was mocked for it sometimes at school, even by my friends. Luckily at university, my friends seem to have accepted that they pretty much need to clarify everything they say and explain most jokes three or four times before I understand what they're on about.
I also really, really dislike conflict. I used to run away to the woods whenever my parents argued, or if I couldn't I would rock and hum to myself. I don't know why this calms me down, but it does. I think it's in part due to the fact that it gives me something to focus on. I hate it when my friends argue in front of me and often I have to skip huge chunks of movies because I can't deal with the characters arguing.
My biggest problem since I started university is with the opposite sex. Often, they'll start a conversation with me and we'll talk for ages without me realising that they're flirting. I'll just think they are being friendly. More than once I've accidentally gone on a date because I have thought a guy just wants to hang out as friends. It's then very hard for me to know what to do, and sometimes they'll try to touch me without me knowing first and I have to focus really hard on not freaking out.
I know that I'm not 'normal' and that sometimes I accidentally upset someone or freak them out, and whenever I interact with someone, it's always in my mind 'am I being weird right now', 'am I freaking them out' etc.
Every interaction I ever have with anyone or any time I'm somewhere with other people around, I have to deal with all of this on top of anything that's happening; and on top of everything else I have to pretend that none of this is happening so that no one will shout at me like my parents used to for acting 'weird'.
I don't know why I'm like this, or what causes me these problems. As far as I'm aware I don't have any reason to - I've never been tested for anything that might cause it. It's just a part of who I am.
I'm sorry if you have read this, for the long story; but I've never felt comfortable telling this to anyone and I felt like I had to get it off my chest.
